[Oh no. Oh no, she isn't confirming or denying any of that. What's he supposed to think now? Maybe she doesn't care either way- ha ha, yeah right. No, it's fine, if it did matter she definitely would have said something!
God. He's too hungry for this.
The meltdown is imminent. Here he goes, attacking the dessert before even properly finishing lunch.]
[ Okay, the dessert before finishing lunch -- especially in front of her -- is definitely a warning sign. Peony watches that for a few seconds, then carefully sets her own chopsticks down. ]
This wasn't a concern until about two seconds ago, and he really wishes the thought didn't worm itself into his head. He knows it's stupid, but now it is going to haunt him. He takes a deep breath, licking whipped cream from the corner of his mouth.]
[ SHE KNOWS HIM VERY WELL, and she is starting to master understanding just how much he'll understate his own state of being when he's upset and unhappy. "Fine as ever" could mean a lot of things, but most of them feel a bit like a cause for concern. Peony huffs, puffing her cheeks out at him a little. ]
[He's... trying to be more open about that now! At least when it's something major. But there's nothing here that has anything to do with her and everything to do with him being a paranoid wreck. He sets the dessert box down and glances down at his lap.]
Sorry. I forgot I get a little moody [ALL DAY EVERY DAY] at the beginning of a diet. I probably shouldn't have started with Luna gone, and while it's hot like this. It's not you, I'm just a moron who doesn't plan ahead.
[ After a few seconds, she sets her food aside and scoots closer to him, until she can lean up against his side a little. For a few seconds she doesn't say anything, and then she uncurls enough to wrap both of her arms around one of his. It's a loose hug variation, but he'll have to fight her if he wants to pull back from it. ]
You're not a moron. There's nothing wrong with having a difficult time.
Hmmph... Doesn't make me feel any better about giving you a difficult time.
[He doesn't fight her at all. In fact, he'd go and hug right back if his arm weren't suddenly so occupied. So he leans into it and tucks his chin against the crook of her neck, which is pretty good as far as substitutes go.]
[ When he settles, she tilts her head to rest it against his, quiet. He's taking things a little better than she would have normally worried, but that doesn't mean she's not still concerned for him. She knows very well how much of himself he's defined through the lens of Luna's presence and his orders.
After all, wasn't she the same?
But it's not about her right now; he doesn't need to hear about her troubles. (Unless he knew about them already, which would be -- awkward, to say the least.)
For the moment, though, she just rubs her cheek against his hair, sighing. ]
Yeah... We can go on a lot more dates like this, if you want. It's not like I'd mind.
[Not only because they're both such sad and lonely people or anything! But that's definitely part of it, let's be honest. He may not know the details of anything that went down between her and Luna, but he can certainly take a guess it's not much different from what he's going through... He's much more concerned for her than he is for himself, even if Icarus and Maera are still here for her too. Not like that's anything new for him.]
Maybe even ones I'm actually prepared for and wearing something nicer than work clothes.
[ She's gentle about saying that, though there's a bit more warmth in her voice as well. The idea of going on a "proper" date, one that he's prepared for, definitely has its appeal for her. And she can't deny either that some of the appeal comes from the fact that Actual Dates had been a rare thing for her, even before the end of the world. Icarus (Luna) had always been so busy, and then he'd been gone overseas, and now...
Things were different now, in a lot of ways. She nuzzles at his hair a little. ]
I like being with you. Okay? Even if it's just a spontaneous thing. Those are nice too.
I'd hope so. You're not the kind of girl to put this much effort into hanging out with someone you don't like.
[Huh... Funny how life works out. To think that he'd gone from being a hopeless young man daydreaming about the kinds of cheesy dates in lame romantic dramas while knowing he'd never get to go out with the guy he was pining for, to happily agreeing to date a girl who'd once been his romantic rival... Sounds like the set-up for a different kind of romantic drama entirely. Even if life is baffling in general these days, he's fine with this.
He tilts his head a little to rub his head against her cheek right back. It's the fuzz, isn't it? It's irresistible.]
[ The fuzz is nice; when he does that, it gets a surprised little giggle out of her before she nuzzles back harder. The smile is more obvious in her voice compared to before. ]
Mm, I'll only put up with someone I don't like if you pay me! But if it's someone I love, I'll do whatever it takes to be around them as much as I can.
[ Well. As long as they give her some indication of wanting to have her around. For a moment her expression sobers, though hopefully he won't be able to see it. ]
[Of course he knows that. He doubts he'll ever understand why, but he'd be especially stupid to think that she wants nothing to do with him. Maybe there have been moments of self-doubt over the years, what with their respective periods of distancing themselves, but recent events have definitely made Mallory much more confident about where they stand.
(He thought he knew with Luna too, once... Hmm.)
He turns his arm to wrap it around her and pull her into his lap, as delicately as he can without knocking any of the nearby food boxes over.]
You know, it works out pretty well that you're one of mine too.
[ Oh, she likes that. She likes being encouraged to be as physically close as possible, regardless of the greater context. When he tugs at her, she shifts to help him with that, settling comfortably into his lap with her legs tucked up; for once, she's trying to make herself smaller as she curls against him, just to make it easier for him to hold her once she's settled. Nice.
And once she's settled, Peony lets her head rest against his chest now, letting out a soft pleased little breath. ]
Mmm. I'm glad. I've worried sometimes, you know? Or I wondered. [ Back when she'd been Despair, and even the things that had made her anxious had been a charged thrill as well. ] But I believe you.
[It's actually kind of nice to hold her close like this. Besides the comfort of her body heat, there's a feeling of power, having something small and delicate to protect. And to keep from escaping. Maybe that's a little messed up.]
...Sorry. If I ever seemed like I was pushing you away or something.
[More like he was the one pulling himself away, but it's not like that's much different.]
[ It might be messed up, but it's not like Peony doesn't have similar sentiments. As much as she'd spent her first few weeks in Koriko feeling like a prisoner, there's also a part of her that can't help but respond to a possessive gesture like this. Maybe her first instinct is still to run away -- even though she's been working on that! she's been trying so hard! -- but it'd be lying to pretend there's a part of her that's greedy for gestures like this. Someone reaching out for her, someone holding her back from leaving...
From most people, she'd hate it; she'd certainly had her share of both avoiding and extracting herself from situations like this when she'd worked as a housekeeper in Japan. But from him, she's completely willing to be trapped.
She curls her tail into her lap, fussing with it more out of a vague desire to do something with her hands than any kind of unease. ]
Mm... I'm sorry if I ever did, too. But, you know, even if I act like that, it's not what I want at all. I've always wanted you around.
...Even before. Even in high school, I'd sometimes think, "wouldn't it be nice if we could live together, somehow?"
[We'll still be together. He always planned for their lives to continue to overlap. Perhaps not in the way Peony dreamt of, and certainly not in the way they all turned out, but even now he can't think of any kind of life without either of them in it. He'll deal with it when it happens.]
We all wanted the same thing and were too damn stupid to figure it out. [At least, to figure out the true extent of how much they wanted to be together. How different would their lives be now if they did? How different would the world be?
It doesn't really matter now. He hugs her tightly around the shoulders, closing his eyes.]
I guess what we've got now is close enough. Better late than never. Now you even have two of me to worry about...
[ She twists a little in his lap when his arm goes around her shoulders. It's not to get free, but to press herself closer, her own arms going around him in turn. If she ducks her head just a bit further, she can press her ear against his heart. That sounds nice, in multiple ways.
It does mean she tucks up smaller against him, but once in a while -- more often now after Despair -- Peony likes the illusion of being sheltered and protected. ]
I love you.
[ The secret is that saying that is actually still kind of strange and embarrassing for her, too -- even with the previous relationship with Icarus, they'd never been one for actually saying it, no matter how much Peony would have liked to have been in the habit of it.
But that part's getting easier. And she doesn't mind the practice, as it were. ]
Mm, as long as you're willing to have me around, I'll always be here. I'm selfish.
[He's got even less experience with being able to just up and say that out loud to anybody, but look! He actually got the words out without choking on them or making a much less direct comment. His heart flutters a bit with shy embarrassment, but it's not a bad feeling. Maybe one day he'll get to just shamelessly spring it on her all the time... That wouldn't make it lose its meaning, right? Not for someone like her.
They sure as hell won't for him. He's certain.]
Don't put yourself down like that... Is it really that selfish just wanting to spend time with someone? [He was plagued by that belief for years, and look what happened! He can't let her think that way too.]
[ Not for him, of course. Or Icarus or Luna, if they wanted it. If any of the four of them asked, there's very little Peony wouldn't give them.
(Even, a small insidious voice in the back of her mind always notes, if they asked her to leave forever. She's getting better about not actively trying to remove herself from an uncomfortable situation, but she still isn't entirely convinced it'll be permanent. Of course she wants it, and she'll fight a challenge from anyone else even herself, if it came to that, but if they told her that... well, best not to dwell on that.)
She tilts her head to look up at him, almost solemn. ]
But when you want it all the time, that's a little more, isn't it?
He looks up at the overhead foliage for a long moment, the leaves barely moving in the heavy summer humidity. Like he'll find the words he's looking for hanging in the branches. Finally his thoughtful look turns into a frown.]
...So what? After everything we've sacrificed, don't we deserve to be selfish for a change? I had a lot of regrets the first time I lost you. Both of you. I want to spend as much time being happy together as we can this time, so don't... Don't decide you're selfish or don't deserve it and run away like he did. I'll be selfish enough to keep you here.
[ Okay, no. Now she squirms harder, trying to twist so she can look him in the eye without actually leaving his lap. Even if she has to fight him a little, she'll do it, just so she can press her forehead to his, lifting her hands to cup his face. Her touch is light, a little shaky.
She's smiling, though teary-eyed. ]
Whatever I deserve, I want you to have the world. ...And if I'm part of that even a little, then I'll consider myself lucky. Okay? If you want me, don't let me go.
Wh- hey, don't look like you're going to cry about it...!
[His grip loosens a little, despite everything. He wants to keep her in his life but he doesn't want to hold her prisoner if she needs to step back and breathe!]
[Any words he has in response are stolen right from his lips by hers. Guess he'll just have to return the sentiment physically, instead. Sorry, cute lunch boxes, but he's shoving them out of the way with his leg as delicately as he can so he can lay back and pull her closer to him.
It's the same kind of reaction he got during their talk about children, too. The promise of a future they can share together... Yeah, he feels the excitement, too.
She loves him. He loves her back. As long as he has that, there's still something good in his life.
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God. He's too hungry for this.
The meltdown is imminent. Here he goes, attacking the dessert before even properly finishing lunch.]
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Mallory...? Are you okay?
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This wasn't a concern until about two seconds ago, and he really wishes the thought didn't worm itself into his head. He knows it's stupid, but now it is going to haunt him. He takes a deep breath, licking whipped cream from the corner of his mouth.]
Huh? I'm as fine as ever.
[...well it's not like he's lying]
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[ SHE KNOWS HIM VERY WELL, and she is starting to master understanding just how much he'll understate his own state of being when he's upset and unhappy. "Fine as ever" could mean a lot of things, but most of them feel a bit like a cause for concern. Peony huffs, puffing her cheeks out at him a little. ]
Was it something I said?
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[He's... trying to be more open about that now! At least when it's something major. But there's nothing here that has anything to do with her and everything to do with him being a paranoid wreck. He sets the dessert box down and glances down at his lap.]
Sorry. I forgot I get a little moody [ALL DAY EVERY DAY] at the beginning of a diet. I probably shouldn't have started with Luna gone, and while it's hot like this. It's not you, I'm just a moron who doesn't plan ahead.
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[ After a few seconds, she sets her food aside and scoots closer to him, until she can lean up against his side a little. For a few seconds she doesn't say anything, and then she uncurls enough to wrap both of her arms around one of his. It's a loose hug variation, but he'll have to fight her if he wants to pull back from it. ]
You're not a moron. There's nothing wrong with having a difficult time.
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[He doesn't fight her at all. In fact, he'd go and hug right back if his arm weren't suddenly so occupied. So he leans into it and tucks his chin against the crook of her neck, which is pretty good as far as substitutes go.]
It's actually easier with you here.
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[ When he settles, she tilts her head to rest it against his, quiet. He's taking things a little better than she would have normally worried, but that doesn't mean she's not still concerned for him. She knows very well how much of himself he's defined through the lens of Luna's presence and his orders.
After all, wasn't she the same?
But it's not about her right now; he doesn't need to hear about her troubles. (Unless he knew about them already, which would be -- awkward, to say the least.)
For the moment, though, she just rubs her cheek against his hair, sighing. ]
If it is, though, good. I'm glad for that.
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[Not only because they're both such sad and lonely people or anything! But that's definitely part of it, let's be honest. He may not know the details of anything that went down between her and Luna, but he can certainly take a guess it's not much different from what he's going through... He's much more concerned for her than he is for himself, even if Icarus and Maera are still here for her too. Not like that's anything new for him.]
Maybe even ones I'm actually prepared for and wearing something nicer than work clothes.
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[ She's gentle about saying that, though there's a bit more warmth in her voice as well. The idea of going on a "proper" date, one that he's prepared for, definitely has its appeal for her. And she can't deny either that some of the appeal comes from the fact that Actual Dates had been a rare thing for her, even before the end of the world. Icarus (Luna) had always been so busy, and then he'd been gone overseas, and now...
Things were different now, in a lot of ways. She nuzzles at his hair a little. ]
I like being with you. Okay? Even if it's just a spontaneous thing. Those are nice too.
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[Huh... Funny how life works out. To think that he'd gone from being a hopeless young man daydreaming about the kinds of cheesy dates in lame romantic dramas while knowing he'd never get to go out with the guy he was pining for, to happily agreeing to date a girl who'd once been his romantic rival... Sounds like the set-up for a different kind of romantic drama entirely. Even if life is baffling in general these days, he's fine with this.
He tilts his head a little to rub his head against her cheek right back. It's the fuzz, isn't it? It's irresistible.]
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Mm, I'll only put up with someone I don't like if you pay me! But if it's someone I love, I'll do whatever it takes to be around them as much as I can.
[ Well. As long as they give her some indication of wanting to have her around. For a moment her expression sobers, though hopefully he won't be able to see it. ]
You're one of my favorites, you know.
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[Of course he knows that. He doubts he'll ever understand why, but he'd be especially stupid to think that she wants nothing to do with him. Maybe there have been moments of self-doubt over the years, what with their respective periods of distancing themselves, but recent events have definitely made Mallory much more confident about where they stand.
(He thought he knew with Luna too, once... Hmm.)
He turns his arm to wrap it around her and pull her into his lap, as delicately as he can without knocking any of the nearby food boxes over.]
You know, it works out pretty well that you're one of mine too.
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[ Oh, she likes that. She likes being encouraged to be as physically close as possible, regardless of the greater context. When he tugs at her, she shifts to help him with that, settling comfortably into his lap with her legs tucked up; for once, she's trying to make herself smaller as she curls against him, just to make it easier for him to hold her once she's settled. Nice.
And once she's settled, Peony lets her head rest against his chest now, letting out a soft pleased little breath. ]
Mmm. I'm glad. I've worried sometimes, you know? Or I wondered. [ Back when she'd been Despair, and even the things that had made her anxious had been a charged thrill as well. ] But I believe you.
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...Sorry. If I ever seemed like I was pushing you away or something.
[More like he was the one pulling himself away, but it's not like that's much different.]
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From most people, she'd hate it; she'd certainly had her share of both avoiding and extracting herself from situations like this when she'd worked as a housekeeper in Japan. But from him, she's completely willing to be trapped.
She curls her tail into her lap, fussing with it more out of a vague desire to do something with her hands than any kind of unease. ]
Mm... I'm sorry if I ever did, too. But, you know, even if I act like that, it's not what I want at all. I've always wanted you around.
...Even before. Even in high school, I'd sometimes think, "wouldn't it be nice if we could live together, somehow?"
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[We'll still be together. He always planned for their lives to continue to overlap. Perhaps not in the way Peony dreamt of, and certainly not in the way they all turned out, but even now he can't think of any kind of life without either of them in it. He'll deal with it when it happens.]
We all wanted the same thing and were too damn stupid to figure it out. [At least, to figure out the true extent of how much they wanted to be together. How different would their lives be now if they did? How different would the world be?
It doesn't really matter now. He hugs her tightly around the shoulders, closing his eyes.]
I guess what we've got now is close enough. Better late than never. Now you even have two of me to worry about...
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It does mean she tucks up smaller against him, but once in a while -- more often now after Despair -- Peony likes the illusion of being sheltered and protected. ]
I love you.
[ The secret is that saying that is actually still kind of strange and embarrassing for her, too -- even with the previous relationship with Icarus, they'd never been one for actually saying it, no matter how much Peony would have liked to have been in the habit of it.
But that part's getting easier. And she doesn't mind the practice, as it were. ]
Mm, as long as you're willing to have me around, I'll always be here. I'm selfish.
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[He's got even less experience with being able to just up and say that out loud to anybody, but look! He actually got the words out without choking on them or making a much less direct comment. His heart flutters a bit with shy embarrassment, but it's not a bad feeling. Maybe one day he'll get to just shamelessly spring it on her all the time... That wouldn't make it lose its meaning, right? Not for someone like her.
They sure as hell won't for him. He's certain.]
Don't put yourself down like that... Is it really that selfish just wanting to spend time with someone? [He was plagued by that belief for years, and look what happened! He can't let her think that way too.]
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[ Not for him, of course. Or Icarus or Luna, if they wanted it. If any of the four of them asked, there's very little Peony wouldn't give them.
(Even, a small insidious voice in the back of her mind always notes, if they asked her to leave forever. She's getting better about not actively trying to remove herself from an uncomfortable situation, but she still isn't entirely convinced it'll be permanent. Of course she wants it, and she'll fight a challenge from anyone else
even herself, if it came to that, but if they told her that... well, best not to dwell on that.)She tilts her head to look up at him, almost solemn. ]
But when you want it all the time, that's a little more, isn't it?
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He looks up at the overhead foliage for a long moment, the leaves barely moving in the heavy summer humidity. Like he'll find the words he's looking for hanging in the branches. Finally his thoughtful look turns into a frown.]
...So what? After everything we've sacrificed, don't we deserve to be selfish for a change? I had a lot of regrets the first time I lost you. Both of you. I want to spend as much time being happy together as we can this time, so don't... Don't decide you're selfish or don't deserve it and run away like he did. I'll be selfish enough to keep you here.
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[ Okay, no. Now she squirms harder, trying to twist so she can look him in the eye without actually leaving his lap. Even if she has to fight him a little, she'll do it, just so she can press her forehead to his, lifting her hands to cup his face. Her touch is light, a little shaky.
She's smiling, though teary-eyed. ]
Whatever I deserve, I want you to have the world. ...And if I'm part of that even a little, then I'll consider myself lucky. Okay? If you want me, don't let me go.
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[His grip loosens a little, despite everything. He wants to keep her in his life but he doesn't want to hold her prisoner if she needs to step back and breathe!]
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[ What was that about breathing? She's going to kiss him instead, as thoroughly as she can without tongue. Sorry that this is your fate, Mallory. ]
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It's the same kind of reaction he got during their talk about children, too. The promise of a future they can share together... Yeah, he feels the excitement, too.
She loves him. He loves her back. As long as he has that, there's still something good in his life.
It's nice.]
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