[It feels like the silence hangs in the air for hours. Like maybe time itself has stopped and trapped Mal in this purgatory between the jaws of karma, waiting for the killing blow.
But her voice turns those fangs to feathers and he starts at her touch. She doesn't hate him... Part of him knows he should have expected that from the start, but it's drowned out by the part that howls in fury, why? You should! At least justify his cowardice back then, or hate him for everything he allowed to happen, or something-!
Maybe having it rubbed in his face even more how much of a mistake he made is the better punishment.
And despite all that... Some of that weight that's been suffocating his heart finally eases off a little, and he swears he can physically feel it. His eyes are burning and as he squeezes them shut, he can feel moisture at the corners. Tears? Really? After all this time? No, he must be- he's just overtired- getting feverish from all the stress he's been under lately or something. A few ragged breaths of not-quite-laughter escape his lips.]
...Ah.
[He swallows down the lump in his throat and the corner of his mouth twists in what he isn't really sure is a smile.]
[ Maybe he's not crying, but she is. They're not the theatrically dramatic tears she'd perfected over the years -- the ones that she can summon now on command: the picture of gentle grief and all without ruining her makeup. Instead, these tears are small and catch in her lashes as her face goes red. Her breath hiccups a little, and she wipes quickly at her eyes like that would be enough to actually hide them from him. ]
I, I don't want to hear you making fun of me when I should be mad at you...! How dare you think that?
[ How dare, she says, but her voice is small and wobbly, and she has to rub harder at her eyes with her arm now. Those old fake tears had been a lot easier to turn off than these real ones, and there's a part of her that's genuinely afraid he'll mistake them. As much as she hopes that he'll take the half-joke as it is, her grip on his hand shakes, ready to let go and pull back at the first sign of his disapproval or anger. ]
What were you thinking, worrying that I'd ever hate you...
[Oh no, don't cry, don't cry! He wanted the opposite of this!! Is she actually mad at him for assuming the worst? She has every right to be, but that familiar old playfulness is still peeking through, too. What, uh... What should he do... Obviously, he can't provide the same comfort Luna's been seeking out in him lately, ssso...
He turns his hand over in hers, hesitating for a second before pulling it away entirely. Because maybe it would be a better comfort right now to put that arm around her shoulders and pat her back a little in what he hopes is a soothing enough gesture.]
Hey, come on...! Yeah, I'm- I'm a big idiot. [Please don't cry over it aaaAAAAAHHH-] ...Sorry.
Do you... need a minute?
[Why can't she just vent her emotions by punching him instead? He could sit and take that a lot easier!]
[ It's a disappointed noise when he pulls his hand away, though she repeats it again, more startled, when he puts his arm around her. What?? Whoa.
Because Peony has always liked physical contact, but she's always been uncertain of ever trying to initiate it with him. She's never doubted his friendship, but he's always been a prickly sort of man. The fact that he's doing this at all is weird, but -- if she's entirely honest -- it feels good.
So she slumps against him a little, raising one hand in a small fist and thumping it listlessly against his chest. Take that. And that! ]
[Because there's so much he's done wrong. Not just to her and Luna, but everyone. Apologies can't take anything back, and they won't ease that guilt of his any. Where would he even start?
It's easier to just join in a good round of the Deflection Game. He rests his chin on top of her head (god she's tiny compared to him) and mumbles:]
...I'm sorry I never taught you how to throw a proper punch.
[What kind of weak-ass hits are those supposed to be. You're not even trying, Peony.]
But after a few seconds she just lets her fist slide down his chest until it drops back into her lap, leaning harder against him. It feels a little wrong -- does he actually want this? even if he was the one who initiated it, he's always pushed himself harder than he should for her -- but at the same time, Peony finds herself extremely reluctant to pull back. Maybe it's okay to be a little selfish, just for a short while. For now, she can pretend he's just her friend and not her jailer too.
The comment gets a short watery laugh out of her before she turns her face against his chest, letting that muffle some of her words. ]
Aah, what if you had? I'd be dangerous.
[ Maybe Enoshima and her sister wouldn't have been able to catch her so easily. ]
[It is a little strange, isn't it? He hasn't completely avoided physical contact over the years, but he's always been the type to just kind of diligently put up with it when the few who he would allow it needed it instead of actually initiating anything. Maybe he's just grown so accustomed to it in the weeks he's spent giving comfort to Luna in Peony's place that it's easier to offer a little to the very woman who trained Luna to need it in the first place. The reality is that it's pretty fucked up. But for Mal, a little innocent touch that isn't his fist in someone's face or gut is... nice.
Weird, but nice.
A little less so when she reminds him that she's already plenty dangerous, isn't she? For a second a darkness clouds his mind over, and he conjures up the image of her hands in his lap, stained with the fresh blood running down the handle of a knife in their grip, and the pain of a recent wound twinges in his stomach and his back.
He does pull back a little, glancing down, but of course nothing's there. And he hates himself for doubting her, even now. But that's how Despair works, isn't it? Bringing out the worst in human beings. Turning them against even the people they love the most.]
...Good thing I'm not your enemy, then. [He's not fit to be much of a protector, either. Not even when he had both hands. It isn't smart to rely on only one or two things. He can still show her how to protect herself. (From him? If it comes to that? Which is the dumber move?)]
...You know... a bunch of kids here are already trying to pick it up from me.
[ She'd pulled back when he had, wrapping her arms around herself and gripping her elbows. It's not exactly trying to draw away from the embrace as long as he has that arm over her shoulders, but she huddles up smaller against him, like she could simply fold in on herself and disappear entirely.
Wouldn't that be nice? It'd be easier, at least. Her existence alone has caused him trouble even before Despair was an issue. If she hadn't been here, then maybe he and Luna could have--
No. No thinking about that. Peony takes a deep breath and dredges up a shaky little smile. ]
Haha... look at you. You never liked my students, and now you're the teacher.
[ What she means is, you never liked them even before everything happened, but she's aware of how it sounds as soon as she says it, when it's too late to take back. A beat later, she turns her head away, fixing her gaze on a point on the other side of the room. Is this really the right thing to do? Being close to him, pretending like things are fine... is she really selfish enough to cling to that, even when they'd both be better off without her? ]
[And... touching moment's over. He withdraws his arm to run his hand down his face. Please don't think he came here all eager to run the world's worst daycare or anything.]
Tch... Yeah, sounds like some kind of sick joke, doesn't it.
[He'd never been friendly even with the students who weren't in her class, even before Despair... he just was not a fan of teenagers, but the Incident only made it ten times worse.]
It's not like any of it was my idea! But since I'm stuck doing it, if you tag along one morning, I could show you a good hit if you show me how to keep those brats in line.
[Or come without learning anything, BUT PLEASE, HELP HIM. Even with what happened to Peony's last class, she was a fine teacher before that... barring getting banished to the Reserve Course for a while, but uh. Mal will continue ignoring that incident just like he did when as was actually happening APPARENTLY]
She still doesn't look at him, though, drawing herself up even smaller after a few seconds. But look, she's smiling! It's bright and it's steady so it must mean things are okay, right?
(Even someone who doesn't know her would know better than that.) ]
A...ah, I could do that. If you wanted that.
[ That would probably make it easier for him to keep an eye on her, right? Maybe she should do something -- now or then, or sometime in between -- to convince him to break this weird stasis. As much as part of her appreciates it, the rest of her is mentally clawing at the walls for something. It's not even the slow burn anticipation of when she'd been infected with Despair; she wants catharsis of some sort. Maybe if she pushes, it'll set them all free. ]
Mm. It might be fun!
[ She says it a little too brightly, a little too fake. It's the way she would talk sometimes when they were in the Future Foundation and he'd been grumbling about some assignment or other and she'd been the one to "comfort" him. ]
[It might be. It should be. But he can already tell that it's not going to be, for either of them. He should have just dropped the subject, honestly. Stopped talking all together. He prefers action over words, but even at that he's sure he would have just done something to screw everything up either way.
He watches her for a long moment, wondering if it would be better for both of them to just leave it. Keep pretending. He's so tired of playing pretend, though. Isn't she?]
...What's the matter? I was kidding, I don't expect you to waste your time on something like that.
I was just thinking how rare it is for Mallory to ask for my help. Usually he just tries to be so stoic on his own... mm, but there's a reason for that, isn't there?
[ Luna asked you to keep an eye on me.
Peony gets up, folding her arms behind her back as she takes a few steps away from the bed. Once she's far enough away, she spins on her heel to face him again, her smile gentle and warm. Ah. This is almost the way that Despair felt, that gentle coaxing compulsion to do the thing that would hurt the most, to say the words that feel like a knife through the ribs. ]
What gives... didn't they just have A Moment? Was it stupid to think that maybe it was a sign that things were going to be okay? He walked right into that set-up and he only has himself to blame. He's the one who's gotten soft over his time in Koriko. If she's going to act like she did during the end of the world, then so is he. He spent years closing himself off to her and Luna both in his self-made cage of regrets. He can do it again.
Never should have opened back up in the first place. He'll just do his job, look out for them from a distance, and that's that.
He clutches a fistful of bedsheets and turns his head away, not even bothering to mask his own dour expression.]
Do whatever you want. [He's got an eye on her, not a damn leash.] The only thing I am gonna ask you is that you don't... don't tell Luna.
[ She leans a little further down, to try and catch his eye even when he turns his head away. Her chest feels so tight that it's hard to breathe, but there's a point to this. There's a point. If she keeps telling herself that, maybe it'll start to feel like an actual good idea.
It has to be a good one, though. Anything that protects them from her has to be good, right? ]
About what? Your feelings?
[ As she says that, she slides a step closer, her expression going solemn. ]
[He does a pretty good job of focusing very intently on the far wall. It sure is fascinating, with its complete lack of decor and its plain off-white colour. Wow. Gorgeous.]
"Better" how? ...It's not like it matters.
[Better for her because Luna would finally push him away? Better for her that he hears it from Mal while they still can't completely trust her word? Is that really what she wants?]
Whatever. You don't have to worry about me doing anything.
[ Come on, Mallory, why aren't you getting it! Tell Luna your feelings so that she can disappear properly, like she should have long ago. ]
...it's not like he and I are really... mm, well. I think dying is a pretty good reason to break it off with someone, right? And after all...
[ Now she straightens up, which doesn't actually let her look down at him because of their height differences, but she does keep looking steadily at his face. Her expression is solemn now; the brief attempt at cheer has faded away into something more quiet and neutral. ]
Hnnh. It turns out death isn't the end after all. At least not here.
[Here in this place where all the logic he used to follow has been broken down completely and flushed down the toilet. He shrugs one shoulder dismissively, trying to take a lighter tone of voice.]
And if it was, then... all the more reason for me to back off.
[ That's a lot more blunt than she'd normally go, but she crosses her arms as she looks at him, with maybe the briefest hint of irritation. ]
What I'm trying to tell you is, he deserves someone who never betrayed him. And you were the only person who could have ever taken him away from me.
[ Again, she says that bluntly; her voice is clipped and precise. ]
You'd both be happier with it. [ Once upon a time, I wanted you two to burn the world down for me; now I think I'd burn it for you two to be happy. ] That's all I want.
[It's like his own heart has been given her voice and is turning on him and parroting everything he ever wanted for her. Each word is like a kick in the stomach, and he takes a sharp breath in through his teeth. Someone who never betrayed Luna? Is there such a person? He wants to laugh. Almost.]
Why do you think... Junko Enoshima got as far as she did...?
[His voice is flat and low at first, but the more he speaks, the more intense it gets. It's been clawing at him from the inside for a long time now.]
Why do you think she was able to get to you? Luna told me to do some snooping on her. To find the evidence he needed to bring her to justice after the incident with the Student Council. But she- she'd been doing some spying of her own, so she blackmailed me. Luna trusted me, and I betrayed him after all. And I can't even blame it on Despair.
[He looks sharply at her, somewhere between angry and desperate.]
So don't think for a second I'm 'more deserving' or anything. You were always ready to lay even your life on the line for him in a heartbeat, and I was- I was jealous of that. You were so much stronger, and I was too selfish to really give everything to him.
But that's why you're more worthy of his love. And you still have it. So don't you dare just toss it away like that.
[ There'd been so many missed calls on her phone when she'd woken up. So many. And that had been her first real taste of despair, knowing that they'd been trying to get in touch with her when she'd been captured, that they had been looking for her... and that they'd never come for her in time. Even as she'd prayed -- even when she'd begged that someone could come for her, no one had.
But they'd been looking; they'd just also failed her.
...Though the failure was also on her part, she knows; if she'd thought to contact Mallory first, to tell him I've found something weird, and I think my students are in trouble, please come help me, maybe things could have gone differently. Enoshima would have still had her sister, but at least if it had been the two of them, they might have gotten away. ]
I walked straight into her lair. I didn't know it was that at the time, but she had her arms open and I just--
[ I walked right into them. ]
It's not like you chose to do it. It's not like you enjoyed it. You never became the thing he hates most in the world, and you never enjoyed that, either.
So it's not that I'm throwing it away now... it's more that I did years ago. Even when I was standing by his side, I was the one ruining him. It wasn't brave, it was just -- a stupid little girl, thinking too much of herself.
[The absurdity of this whole scenario isn't lost on Mal. One might expect romantic rivals to fight over who gets to lay claim to the object of their affections, not over who gets to be the one to push him away. It's like the set-up for a bad sketch comedy, but he can't find the humour in it.
He finally stands, keeping most of his weight on his right leg, and runs his hand through his hair. He wants to keep arguing further, insist that he should have been the one to keep a better eye on her in the first place, because he knew she kept on taking more and more risks, but... No amount of self-blame is going to change what happened. And it's not going to change either of their minds now.
Besides. It's not like any of this is going to change the way Luna feels, and when it comes down to it, that's the only thing that really matters. At least they can agree on that much, right?]
...Let's face it. We both made stupid, selfish mistakes. We both failed him. [And eachother.] He's really better off without either of us dragging him down now.
[ Peony flinches back a little when he gets to his feet. She doesn't mean to, not really, but there is a part of her that remembers him in the alleyway a couple of months ago, and the implicit threat in his parting.
But when all he does is stand and run a hand through his hair, she relaxes. A little. ]
I... I still don't know how you...
[ She has a good guess about what Enoshima had blackmailed him with, but she'd never known for certain. She'd never asked; she'd simply accepted Enoshima's words at face value. Don't worry about him, I've got him handled. You just do your part.
[Yeah, he saw that. Not that he can blame her, when just earlier he expected her to turn on him when his guard was down. He still tenses up when Luna draws his sword; Luna told him flat-out he doesn't trust Mal completely anymore; to say nothing of the suspicion of Peony. But there's no questioning where they went wrong. Not anymore.
Only how to make things right.]
Tch. Who knows? The two of us shouldn't be alive enough to worry about this to begin with. [His hand settles on his hip while he looks her over in consideration.] ...My plan's to work off this debt and do whatever I can to help Luna clear his and get him out of here. Until then, I'll do what I've always done. Hang back and be whatever he needs me to be.
[ Her brows draw together at that in the beginning of a frown, though she's honestly more confused than upset at the moment. ]
Mm, but... you know how he is. When he gets focused, sometimes he won't notice he needs something until it's offered to him. [ Or taken away, though she leaves that part unsaid and just hanging heavily in the air. ] I still think you should tell him.
[ If he does, maybe she can slip away after all. That part she doesn't say aloud, though she keeps her face turned away from him, her shoulders hunched and her arms tight around herself, like she could fold in completely on herself and vanish. ]
[Still? She's always been so damn stubborn when it comes to Luna. But he still can't see how she thinks he's what's best for him.
He bites the inside of his cheek while he considers all the things he knows that she doesn't. Observant or not, it's certainly harder to keep track of things when you're dead. That's what he thinks, anyway.]
...I wonder what he does need...
[Bile burns at the back of his throat, and he turns away from Peony completely.]
After you died, he... he went completely unhinged. [To put it lightly.] He killed the Chairman- he tried to kill me. [And Mal wasn't even useful enough to die for him.] If I couldn't keep him from getting to that state then what good am I? He had every right to toss me aside then. I know it's only a matter of time before he decides to do it again.
[Before she can interject, he clenches his fist and takes a step forward to slam it against the wall. Not through it, thankfully, but it does send a tremor even through the ground.]
Even here, we--! [He can feel his throat constricting tightly around his words, trying to hold them back, but it's too late.] We've-- slept together, and I know it's been you he was wishing for instead- [and it hurts] -and now I don't even need to be a fill-in anymore!
[That fear's been on his mind since Peony showed up. No... even before that, he knew that was all he was, and that one day it would come to an end. He hangs his head, the side of his hand still pressed firmly against the wall.
He really is a big idiot.]
...Like I said. He still loves you. So quit acting like he doesn't.
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But her voice turns those fangs to feathers and he starts at her touch. She doesn't hate him... Part of him knows he should have expected that from the start, but it's drowned out by the part that howls in fury, why? You should! At least justify his cowardice back then, or hate him for everything he allowed to happen, or something-!
Maybe having it rubbed in his face even more how much of a mistake he made is the better punishment.
And despite all that... Some of that weight that's been suffocating his heart finally eases off a little, and he swears he can physically feel it. His eyes are burning and as he squeezes them shut, he can feel moisture at the corners. Tears? Really? After all this time? No, he must be- he's just overtired- getting feverish from all the stress he's been under lately or something. A few ragged breaths of not-quite-laughter escape his lips.]
...Ah.
[He swallows down the lump in his throat and the corner of his mouth twists in what he isn't really sure is a smile.]
You really are too soft.
[It's really her.]
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[ Maybe he's not crying, but she is. They're not the theatrically dramatic tears she'd perfected over the years -- the ones that she can summon now on command: the picture of gentle grief and all without ruining her makeup. Instead, these tears are small and catch in her lashes as her face goes red. Her breath hiccups a little, and she wipes quickly at her eyes like that would be enough to actually hide them from him. ]
I, I don't want to hear you making fun of me when I should be mad at you...! How dare you think that?
[ How dare, she says, but her voice is small and wobbly, and she has to rub harder at her eyes with her arm now. Those old fake tears had been a lot easier to turn off than these real ones, and there's a part of her that's genuinely afraid he'll mistake them. As much as she hopes that he'll take the half-joke as it is, her grip on his hand shakes, ready to let go and pull back at the first sign of his disapproval or anger. ]
What were you thinking, worrying that I'd ever hate you...
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He turns his hand over in hers, hesitating for a second before pulling it away entirely. Because maybe it would be a better comfort right now to put that arm around her shoulders and pat her back a little in what he hopes is a soothing enough gesture.]
Hey, come on...! Yeah, I'm- I'm a big idiot. [Please don't cry over it aaaAAAAAHHH-] ...Sorry.
Do you... need a minute?
[Why can't she just vent her emotions by punching him instead? He could sit and take that a lot easier!]
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[ It's a disappointed noise when he pulls his hand away, though she repeats it again, more startled, when he puts his arm around her. What?? Whoa.
Because Peony has always liked physical contact, but she's always been uncertain of ever trying to initiate it with him. She's never doubted his friendship, but he's always been a prickly sort of man. The fact that he's doing this at all is weird, but -- if she's entirely honest -- it feels good.
So she slumps against him a little, raising one hand in a small fist and thumping it listlessly against his chest. Take that. And that! ]
Why are you apologizing to me, dummy...
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[Because there's so much he's done wrong. Not just to her and Luna, but everyone. Apologies can't take anything back, and they won't ease that guilt of his any. Where would he even start?
It's easier to just join in a good round of the Deflection Game. He rests his chin on top of her head (god she's tiny compared to him) and mumbles:]
...I'm sorry I never taught you how to throw a proper punch.
[What kind of weak-ass hits are those supposed to be. You're not even trying, Peony.]
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But after a few seconds she just lets her fist slide down his chest until it drops back into her lap, leaning harder against him. It feels a little wrong -- does he actually want this? even if he was the one who initiated it, he's always pushed himself harder than he should for her -- but at the same time, Peony finds herself extremely reluctant to pull back. Maybe it's okay to be a little selfish, just for a short while. For now, she can pretend he's just her friend and not her jailer too.
The comment gets a short watery laugh out of her before she turns her face against his chest, letting that muffle some of her words. ]
Aah, what if you had? I'd be dangerous.
[ Maybe Enoshima and her sister wouldn't have been able to catch her so easily. ]
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Weird, but nice.
A little less so when she reminds him that she's already plenty dangerous, isn't she? For a second a darkness clouds his mind over, and he conjures up the image of her hands in his lap, stained with the fresh blood running down the handle of a knife in their grip, and the pain of a recent wound twinges in his stomach and his back.
He does pull back a little, glancing down, but of course nothing's there. And he hates himself for doubting her, even now. But that's how Despair works, isn't it? Bringing out the worst in human beings. Turning them against even the people they love the most.]
...Good thing I'm not your enemy, then. [He's not fit to be much of a protector, either. Not even when he had both hands. It isn't smart to rely on only one or two things. He can still show her how to protect herself. (From him? If it comes to that? Which is the dumber move?)]
...You know... a bunch of kids here are already trying to pick it up from me.
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[ She'd pulled back when he had, wrapping her arms around herself and gripping her elbows. It's not exactly trying to draw away from the embrace as long as he has that arm over her shoulders, but she huddles up smaller against him, like she could simply fold in on herself and disappear entirely.
Wouldn't that be nice? It'd be easier, at least. Her existence alone has caused him trouble even before Despair was an issue. If she hadn't been here, then maybe he and Luna could have--
No. No thinking about that. Peony takes a deep breath and dredges up a shaky little smile. ]
Haha... look at you. You never liked my students, and now you're the teacher.
[ What she means is, you never liked them even before everything happened, but she's aware of how it sounds as soon as she says it, when it's too late to take back. A beat later, she turns her head away, fixing her gaze on a point on the other side of the room. Is this really the right thing to do? Being close to him, pretending like things are fine... is she really selfish enough to cling to that, even when they'd both be better off without her? ]
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Tch... Yeah, sounds like some kind of sick joke, doesn't it.
[He'd never been friendly even with the students who weren't in her class, even before Despair... he just was not a fan of teenagers, but the Incident only made it ten times worse.]
It's not like any of it was my idea! But since I'm stuck doing it, if you tag along one morning, I could show you a good hit if you show me how to keep those brats in line.
[Or come without learning anything, BUT PLEASE, HELP HIM. Even with what happened to Peony's last class, she was a fine teacher before that... barring getting banished to the Reserve Course for a while, but uh. Mal will continue ignoring that incident
just like he did when as was actually happening APPARENTLY]no subject
What sort of Head of Security were you jesus.She still doesn't look at him, though, drawing herself up even smaller after a few seconds. But look, she's smiling! It's bright and it's steady so it must mean things are okay, right?
(Even someone who doesn't know her would know better than that.) ]
A...ah, I could do that. If you wanted that.
[ That would probably make it easier for him to keep an eye on her, right? Maybe she should do something -- now or then, or sometime in between -- to convince him to break this weird stasis. As much as part of her appreciates it, the rest of her is mentally clawing at the walls for something. It's not even the slow burn anticipation of when she'd been infected with Despair; she wants catharsis of some sort. Maybe if she pushes, it'll set them all free. ]
Mm. It might be fun!
[ She says it a little too brightly, a little too fake. It's the way she would talk sometimes when they were in the Future Foundation and he'd been grumbling about some assignment or other and she'd been the one to "comfort" him. ]
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He watches her for a long moment, wondering if it would be better for both of them to just leave it. Keep pretending. He's so tired of playing pretend, though. Isn't she?]
...What's the matter? I was kidding, I don't expect you to waste your time on something like that.
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[ Everything's wrong. ]
I was just thinking how rare it is for Mallory to ask for my help. Usually he just tries to be so stoic on his own... mm, but there's a reason for that, isn't there?
[ Luna asked you to keep an eye on me.
Peony gets up, folding her arms behind her back as she takes a few steps away from the bed. Once she's far enough away, she spins on her heel to face him again, her smile gentle and warm. Ah. This is almost the way that Despair felt, that gentle coaxing compulsion to do the thing that would hurt the most, to say the words that feel like a knife through the ribs. ]
It's better if I go too, isn't it?
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What gives... didn't they just have A Moment? Was it stupid to think that maybe it was a sign that things were going to be okay? He walked right into that set-up and he only has himself to blame. He's the one who's gotten soft over his time in Koriko. If she's going to act like she did during the end of the world, then so is he. He spent years closing himself off to her and Luna both in his self-made cage of regrets. He can do it again.
Never should have opened back up in the first place. He'll just do his job, look out for them from a distance, and that's that.
He clutches a fistful of bedsheets and turns his head away, not even bothering to mask his own dour expression.]
Do whatever you want. [He's got an eye on her, not a damn leash.] The only thing I am gonna ask you is that you don't... don't tell Luna.
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[ She leans a little further down, to try and catch his eye even when he turns his head away. Her chest feels so tight that it's hard to breathe, but there's a point to this. There's a point. If she keeps telling herself that, maybe it'll start to feel like an actual good idea.
It has to be a good one, though. Anything that protects them from her has to be good, right? ]
About what? Your feelings?
[ As she says that, she slides a step closer, her expression going solemn. ]
I won't. It'd be better if you told him yourself.
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"Better" how? ...It's not like it matters.
[Better for her because Luna would finally push him away? Better for her that he hears it from Mal while they still can't completely trust her word? Is that really what she wants?]
Whatever. You don't have to worry about me doing anything.
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[ Come on, Mallory, why aren't you getting it! Tell Luna your feelings so that she can disappear properly, like she should have long ago. ]
...it's not like he and I are really... mm, well. I think dying is a pretty good reason to break it off with someone, right? And after all...
[ Now she straightens up, which doesn't actually let her look down at him because of their height differences, but she does keep looking steadily at his face. Her expression is solemn now; the brief attempt at cheer has faded away into something more quiet and neutral. ]
I died long before that killing game, didn't I?
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[Here in this place where all the logic he used to follow has been broken down completely and flushed down the toilet. He shrugs one shoulder dismissively, trying to take a lighter tone of voice.]
And if it was, then... all the more reason for me to back off.
[Why the hell is she pushing this?]
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[ That's a lot more blunt than she'd normally go, but she crosses her arms as she looks at him, with maybe the briefest hint of irritation. ]
What I'm trying to tell you is, he deserves someone who never betrayed him. And you were the only person who could have ever taken him away from me.
[ Again, she says that bluntly; her voice is clipped and precise. ]
You'd both be happier with it. [ Once upon a time, I wanted you two to burn the world down for me; now I think I'd burn it for you two to be happy. ] That's all I want.
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Why do you think... Junko Enoshima got as far as she did...?
[His voice is flat and low at first, but the more he speaks, the more intense it gets. It's been clawing at him from the inside for a long time now.]
Why do you think she was able to get to you? Luna told me to do some snooping on her. To find the evidence he needed to bring her to justice after the incident with the Student Council. But she- she'd been doing some spying of her own, so she blackmailed me. Luna trusted me, and I betrayed him after all. And I can't even blame it on Despair.
[He looks sharply at her, somewhere between angry and desperate.]
So don't think for a second I'm 'more deserving' or anything. You were always ready to lay even your life on the line for him in a heartbeat, and I was- I was jealous of that. You were so much stronger, and I was too selfish to really give everything to him.
But that's why you're more worthy of his love. And you still have it. So don't you dare just toss it away like that.
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[ There'd been so many missed calls on her phone when she'd woken up. So many. And that had been her first real taste of despair, knowing that they'd been trying to get in touch with her when she'd been captured, that they had been looking for her... and that they'd never come for her in time. Even as she'd prayed -- even when she'd begged that someone could come for her, no one had.
But they'd been looking; they'd just also failed her.
...Though the failure was also on her part, she knows; if she'd thought to contact Mallory first, to tell him I've found something weird, and I think my students are in trouble, please come help me, maybe things could have gone differently. Enoshima would have still had her sister, but at least if it had been the two of them, they might have gotten away. ]
I walked straight into her lair. I didn't know it was that at the time, but she had her arms open and I just--
[ I walked right into them. ]
It's not like you chose to do it. It's not like you enjoyed it. You never became the thing he hates most in the world, and you never enjoyed that, either.
So it's not that I'm throwing it away now... it's more that I did years ago. Even when I was standing by his side, I was the one ruining him. It wasn't brave, it was just -- a stupid little girl, thinking too much of herself.
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He finally stands, keeping most of his weight on his right leg, and runs his hand through his hair. He wants to keep arguing further, insist that he should have been the one to keep a better eye on her in the first place, because he knew she kept on taking more and more risks, but... No amount of self-blame is going to change what happened. And it's not going to change either of their minds now.
Besides. It's not like any of this is going to change the way Luna feels, and when it comes down to it, that's the only thing that really matters. At least they can agree on that much, right?]
...Let's face it. We both made stupid, selfish mistakes. We both failed him. [And eachother.] He's really better off without either of us dragging him down now.
[So let's stop this stupid fight.]
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But when all he does is stand and run a hand through his hair, she relaxes. A little. ]
I... I still don't know how you...
[ She has a good guess about what Enoshima had blackmailed him with, but she'd never known for certain. She'd never asked; she'd simply accepted Enoshima's words at face value. Don't worry about him, I've got him handled. You just do your part.
She ducks her head again. ]
So... then... where does that leave us now?
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Only how to make things right.]
Tch. Who knows? The two of us shouldn't be alive enough to worry about this to begin with. [His hand settles on his hip while he looks her over in consideration.] ...My plan's to work off this debt and do whatever I can to help Luna clear his and get him out of here. Until then, I'll do what I've always done. Hang back and be whatever he needs me to be.
[And you?]
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[ Her brows draw together at that in the beginning of a frown, though she's honestly more confused than upset at the moment. ]
Mm, but... you know how he is. When he gets focused, sometimes he won't notice he needs something until it's offered to him. [ Or taken away, though she leaves that part unsaid and just hanging heavily in the air. ] I still think you should tell him.
[ If he does, maybe she can slip away after all. That part she doesn't say aloud, though she keeps her face turned away from him, her shoulders hunched and her arms tight around herself, like she could fold in completely on herself and vanish. ]
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He bites the inside of his cheek while he considers all the things he knows that she doesn't. Observant or not, it's certainly harder to keep track of things when you're dead. That's what he thinks, anyway.]
...I wonder what he does need...
[Bile burns at the back of his throat, and he turns away from Peony completely.]
After you died, he... he went completely unhinged. [To put it lightly.] He killed the Chairman- he tried to kill me. [And Mal wasn't even useful enough to die for him.] If I couldn't keep him from getting to that state then what good am I? He had every right to toss me aside then. I know it's only a matter of time before he decides to do it again.
[Before she can interject, he clenches his fist and takes a step forward to slam it against the wall. Not through it, thankfully, but it does send a tremor even through the ground.]
Even here, we--! [He can feel his throat constricting tightly around his words, trying to hold them back, but it's too late.] We've-- slept together, and I know it's been you he was wishing for instead- [and it hurts] -and now I don't even need to be a fill-in anymore!
[That fear's been on his mind since Peony showed up. No... even before that, he knew that was all he was, and that one day it would come to an end. He hangs his head, the side of his hand still pressed firmly against the wall.
He really is a big idiot.]
...Like I said. He still loves you. So quit acting like he doesn't.
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