Daria swerved in her chair, completely facing him dead on with a stare of her own. Her heart weighed down, even further than it did before.
He caused the world to go into despair.
It didn't take a genius to know what whose words meant. She bit her cheek, if only to prevent her from speaking. She couldn't say anything, she refused. No bullshit this go around. All suspension of disbelief was gone, her eyes beckoned him to continue. Riye had to handle this.]
[Silence hung heavily in the air over their table, almost like its own barrier between their conversation and the rest of the chatter in the bar. Or maybe Mallory was too tipsy and withdrawn into himself to make out more than a far-away, distorted garble. He kept his gaze in Riye's direction, though his eyes narrowed considerably as they saw glimpses of the past.]
...Hardly a damned building left standing in some cities. Murder, rape, outright endless war everywhere you look. Friends and family turning against eachother. Mass suicides, riots, killing for sport. Children either smothered in their sleep or left to grow up thinking suffering's just how the world has always been.
[Among other things, but that should have painted at least some vague impressionist piece in Riye's head. Mallory rubbed tight, anxious circles around the stump of his arm, his eyebrows twitching.]
But it wasn't. And it wouldn't have been. But I made a stupid decision- a coward's decision, even with plenty of evidence to know it was the wrong one... I chose to save myself at the cost of the world. And I still couldn't fess up to it for years after. Even when I had to watch my best friends suffer day by day for my mistakes.
This place is like a paradise compared to back there, and... I don't deserve any of it. [Agree with him, damn it. Tell him he deserves to suffer. Someone be angry with him. Be disappointed.]
[Riye was so silent, so unbelievably silent that the world could pass her by and her presence could amount to air or dust. She could faze right in and out, and the rest of the world wouldn't even matter to her. The noise became garbled, and all she could hear were the words from Mal's sullen confession.
He was a coward. He was selfish. However it happened didn't matter. He got hit on the head with a dire choice that probably rang inside his very soul. The right thing would be to not care, and do whatever it took for the sake of the world. That was what Riye's morality said. Riye's very strong sense of moral justice that she lived by.
She should be angry.
Mal couldn't confess, he hadn't for years as he watched the world burn. The weight of his choice hammered into his skull with every passing day. Knowing full well what he should have done, but he didn't. Not wearing any sense of pride, but instead he put up his fists in shame. Hiding from the rest of the world instead of taking what he did and atoning properly.
She should be disappointed.
Her friend...the guy who came for her so many times, and spoke with her. Made her feel just a little safer. Riye knew his flaws, and she took the chance for once. Mal never let her down. Sure, he made her mad and annoyed before. Other people have come to her with similar concerns (mainly Ethan), but she stood in her place with it. An duo of outcasts, someone she grew to care about despite everything. The very risk she took even though she had a feeling there was so much under the very surface. Taking what she knew from home, learned here, never turning back on her decision. Even if she paid for it.
She was warned, by others and herself.
Mal, her friend, suffered so much. On his own accord and from the world around him. Riye was stuck between her morality, her compassion for her friend, and her ever growing perspective changing how she saw the world and the situations in it. He hated himself, told himself he deserved to suffer.
Her heart ached for him.
She was angry, sad, disappointed. She was all of it.
It was overwhelming. To the point when it felt like nothing. She couldn't feel anything, her soul growing numb under the weight of all sides of herself.
Her soul looked like it left her damn body, her eyes going blank.]
Mal.
[That was all she could say for a minute. She didn't know what to say. She literally didn't have anything.
Dammit. Dammit. DAMMIT! Why can't I do anything? Why can't I just storm off in self righteous indignation? Is it because I don't know what the situation is like or-
Her brain was in all out war. The most it had ever been.
[That was it, huh? No outburst, no leaving him there? Maybe she was trying to find some way to justify it, to try and salvage her friendship with someone she refused to believe was no good.
Just another nudge, then. Mal's gaze drifted back toward the window, eyes half-lidded, mouth too tired to even frown.]
This place is better, but I'm not. People like me can't change. I keep letting my wants or my fears lead me, and every time I do, someone else gets hurt. Just a matter of time before it's you.
No matter which way she sliced it or diced it, the way how this sounded just came off as...not what she wanted. She promised him and promised herself that this was something she had to learn eventually.
Riye didn't care if she was stubborn. The more she thought at least one thing in her head, it was the idea of getting chased off by someone who wanted it because it would protect her.
No. She finally turned to him, looking like there was something coming back to life?]
...Is that your excuse? You want me to hate you so badly that you're willing to accept that you can't do anything?
[...]
Because, to be honest, I think the person that hates you the most is you.
[She was very firm with her words, but her tone was stagnant. Riye was actually trying to not come OFF as terribly angry, but was she completely serious? Absolutely. After all, she was trying to grip on to the situation now. She had to, she wanted to figure this out. For the both of them.
The fact that he seemed to respond in this way...]
I just...If you needed me to say how much of a bad person you are, calling you out on your past actions, you act like you already took that job. I don't think I could come up with anything worse to say that you probably haven't thought of already yourself.
To be frank then, I don't want to do that.
[She sat there, letting her words stew for a minute. Realizing that they were blunt but still rather directionless.]
...You remember when we met, and what we talked about on the boards?
Tch. You didn't know the full truth then, and... there's a lot left I haven't even touched on. But you should know enough now to know to back out. I know you're not an idiot.
Maybe I didn't know what you did. Nor do I know all of it, sure.
[She crossed her arms, lips finally turning into a frown after that was said and done.]
If you know I'm not an idiot, then you should know I've thought about it really hard back then. No matter how overwhelming things got, all I have is my brain to think through every single possible thing. That's how I survive.
[...]
You don't think I didn't come up with a million scenarios on what you COULD have done? The only reason why I gave you any trust at all was that you never asked to be justified or excused for any of it.
I, Riye, in all of my distrusting and judgmental traits, gave you a chance to explain. I knew it wouldn't be easy to begin to, and I get that.
[She frowned a little bit more.]
I just always wanted you to trust me with it, and I knew I was going to have to deal with it when it came. If it ever did. I told myself that a lot.
I can't know what your world was like, who you met, or what happened. I just know when I see a guy who had to pay hard for mistakes he clearly knew he made. Someone who insists on beating himself up and being an ass to someone who just wanted to be a damn ear.
[Yeah, and he is an ass. He can't even pretend not to care about that anymore. Everything's been coming down hard on him for the past month or so, all that delayed karma he's been racking up over the years.
So what is she saying, then? His head's too fuzzy to puzzle her out. He's just regretting this whole thing, like he regrets every little thing, and he flags down a waiter for another bottle.
He doesn't look at Riye. He doesn't know what to say, anyway.]
[She spoke a hell of a lot for someone still in the middle of wrapping her head around everything. Like if she said what was right on her mind, maybe then she could have some answers.
What WAS she saying? Man if she ever knew. This grew so much more complicated. It wasn't like she wasn't mad or disappointed at him. But was it for what he did or was it for what he was doing NOW?
She motioned to the waiter.]
Throw that on my tab too.
[She still buying him his drinks.
It was silent for another few seconds. She began actually taking some hair between her fingers and scratching the top of her palm. Anxiety.]
[Time to top off the ol' sake cup, which he half-downed immediately. Should he have been thankful? Angry? He felt more hollow than anything right now, but it would probably hit him tomorrow along with whatever hangover he was setting up for himself.]
I'm feeling a lot of things, hate isn't one of them.
[She was fine on drinks of her own, in fact, she got out her wallet and started pulling a number of bills out. She may be paying for his drinks, but not his liver. After this, she was outtie.]
Someone gave me some advice once. Something about not being able to change what happened so I have to move on instead. I thought that was good advice, I may have to keep following it.
[Hint hint.]
So, I have to take things as they come and learn how to deal with it. It's what I do best, but maybe it's most prominent now.
[Screw it, he's just going to drink right from the bottle. So what if the mouth is designed to discourage just that? After a long swig he lts his arm hang off the edge of the table, loosely holding the bottle by the neck.
A second chance to screw everything up, more like.]
Got it. Dealing is what I do. [He's had a lot of practice.]
[This was so difficult. This was the most difficult challenge she ever faced.
The more she now could stew, the more she felt that she did something right. It was slowly coming into more focus. It wasn't like she didn't hear anything distressing, but she knew why she didn't storm off.
All of the other times she called people out for their behavior, it was calling them out on ethics and being so horribly ignorant that they were horrible. Mal knew what he did was horrible, so, there was ZERO point to that for her.
She said that.
Left with nothing to slam him for in terms of what he did then, she saw his behavior. His cagey and self destructive behavior, that was something she couldn't stand to see. She said her piece on it. Riye said all she could have. Yes, she was still sitting here.
She couldn't stand seeing him this way. The entire world crashed and he was letting himself get crushed, even if it meant pushing her away.
Things...just had to come to a head, and what happened next was up to them both. Daria just had to know what she had to do, and when. She hadn't figured it ALL out...but, maybe there was something.
She couldn't say anything else. Actions spoke louder sometimes, she had to learn that herself too. Know when to reach out and let the other person that they might matter, in ways she may not be used to in her own bubble. It wasn't like it was anything she hadn't done before, but she did notice she'd been doing it a lot lately.
She reached up with her hand to touch the arm he left hanging limp off the side of the table.
No saccharine or empty optimism that she wouldn't even believe in herself, but actions.]
[Why do you believe in me after everything I just told you?
About half a minute passes like that, him staring dully at her hand, his expression unchanging from its usual tired glare. His head's a little too fuzzy to analyze the complexities of this moment between them, but there is one clear thought he can make out: he's always been so much better at fighting for those who believe in him than he ever was for himself.
If Riye's going to put that much faith in him, might as well not let it go to waste.]
...Listen. ["Lllissen."] I'm an officer of the Future Foundation... Looking ahead is my job. Building the future and having hope in it, I can do that. Looking ahead is... [Wait, no, he said that. Ah, yes, the sake's really hitting now. Maybe he'll just put the rest aside here.]
Look, I haven't given up, is what I'm saying. [Maybe he did for a second there.]
[Maybe in the days to come, it was going to be some kind of uphill battle. Who knew? Daria just had her instinct.
...When had she ever done something like this? After all of it was said and done, she really put her brain and her heart in a blender to figure herself out. In all of her cynicism and aloof nature, she always wanted what was best.
I believe in you because I want to. I know you can be better.
Looking ahead, hope, building the future, he used those words. A few times, he was slurring. Some kind of hopeful messaging like that can come off as hollow. For some reason, I know you mean it when you say it.
Maybe he never told her everything, but everything from his mouth was always honest. So was she, brutally honest. To almost a fault. While "Future Foundation" was still rather Greek to her, it didn't matter. The sentiment was there.]
[Daria never smiled unless she had a real reason. Nothing fake or insincere if she gave a smile to anyone. It was for when people earned it, or something really warmed her cold heart. Making that cocksure attitude he had after it was all said and done tugged her on her cheeks just a little.]
Yeah yeah, I get the idea, Balboa.
[She moved her hand away, finally. Resisting the urge to embarrass the ex-boxer with small doses of intimacy any longer. But it was hard. Real hard.]
I can hold you to it though. I still want to be a good friend, after all.
Then no more Rocky jokes. Ever again. A promise for a promise.
[Pizza promise. Up she goes from her seat, finally. Time to leave just about. But she was going to hang around if she felt he wasn't sober. So, she kind of glanced his way again.]
Right. I'm not a promise-breaker anymore. So you'd better keep up your end.
[He only wishes that would be the last time he'll ever be faced with a Rocky joke. Looking at you, Raiden.
He steadies himself with his hand flat down on the table's edge before slowly rising to his feet, the full effects of drunkenness finally hitting him as the room spins around him for a few seconds.]
[Not quite sober. Which made it better that he decided to come along. Maybe by the time he headed back to the room he would be okay. That would make Riye feel a bit better. Not a lot better but. Well. He was still in that room alone without Luna or Peony. Ethan was off somewhere, probably still not having resolved the scuffle they had yet.
She had to do what she could.
She tried to keep a straight face for the both of them as she hung around for when he decided he was going to start moving, keeping a close eye watch from her angle.]
Onward then.
[You got it, buddy? You got it? Do you need an arm or an anything.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Daria swerved in her chair, completely facing him dead on with a stare of her own. Her heart weighed down, even further than it did before.
He caused the world to go into despair.
It didn't take a genius to know what whose words meant. She bit her cheek, if only to prevent her from speaking. She couldn't say anything, she refused. No bullshit this go around. All suspension of disbelief was gone, her eyes beckoned him to continue. Riye had to handle this.]
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...Hardly a damned building left standing in some cities. Murder, rape, outright endless war everywhere you look. Friends and family turning against eachother. Mass suicides, riots, killing for sport. Children either smothered in their sleep or left to grow up thinking suffering's just how the world has always been.
[Among other things, but that should have painted at least some vague impressionist piece in Riye's head. Mallory rubbed tight, anxious circles around the stump of his arm, his eyebrows twitching.]
But it wasn't. And it wouldn't have been. But I made a stupid decision- a coward's decision, even with plenty of evidence to know it was the wrong one... I chose to save myself at the cost of the world. And I still couldn't fess up to it for years after. Even when I had to watch my best friends suffer day by day for my mistakes.
This place is like a paradise compared to back there, and... I don't deserve any of it. [Agree with him, damn it. Tell him he deserves to suffer. Someone be angry with him. Be disappointed.]
hhhh
He was a coward. He was selfish. However it happened didn't matter. He got hit on the head with a dire choice that probably rang inside his very soul. The right thing would be to not care, and do whatever it took for the sake of the world. That was what Riye's morality said. Riye's very strong sense of moral justice that she lived by.
She should be angry.
Mal couldn't confess, he hadn't for years as he watched the world burn. The weight of his choice hammered into his skull with every passing day. Knowing full well what he should have done, but he didn't. Not wearing any sense of pride, but instead he put up his fists in shame. Hiding from the rest of the world instead of taking what he did and atoning properly.
She should be disappointed.
Her friend...the guy who came for her so many times, and spoke with her. Made her feel just a little safer. Riye knew his flaws, and she took the chance for once. Mal never let her down. Sure, he made her mad and annoyed before. Other people have come to her with similar concerns (mainly Ethan), but she stood in her place with it. An duo of outcasts, someone she grew to care about despite everything. The very risk she took even though she had a feeling there was so much under the very surface. Taking what she knew from home, learned here, never turning back on her decision. Even if she paid for it.
She was warned, by others and herself.
Mal, her friend, suffered so much. On his own accord and from the world around him. Riye was stuck between her morality, her compassion for her friend, and her ever growing perspective changing how she saw the world and the situations in it. He hated himself, told himself he deserved to suffer.
Her heart ached for him.
She was angry, sad, disappointed. She was all of it.
It was overwhelming. To the point when it felt like nothing. She couldn't feel anything, her soul growing numb under the weight of all sides of herself.
Her soul looked like it left her damn body, her eyes going blank.]
Mal.
[That was all she could say for a minute. She didn't know what to say. She literally didn't have anything.
Dammit. Dammit. DAMMIT! Why can't I do anything? Why can't I just storm off in self righteous indignation? Is it because I don't know what the situation is like or-
Her brain was in all out war. The most it had ever been.
But she was still sitting here.]
B)
Just another nudge, then. Mal's gaze drifted back toward the window, eyes half-lidded, mouth too tired to even frown.]
This place is better, but I'm not. People like me can't change. I keep letting my wants or my fears lead me, and every time I do, someone else gets hurt. Just a matter of time before it's you.
[So run.]
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No matter which way she sliced it or diced it, the way how this sounded just came off as...not what she wanted. She promised him and promised herself that this was something she had to learn eventually.
Riye didn't care if she was stubborn. The more she thought at least one thing in her head, it was the idea of getting chased off by someone who wanted it because it would protect her.
No. She finally turned to him, looking like there was something coming back to life?]
...Is that your excuse? You want me to hate you so badly that you're willing to accept that you can't do anything?
[...]
Because, to be honest, I think the person that hates you the most is you.
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[She hit the nail right on the head.]
You think I should be proud of myself instead?
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[She was very firm with her words, but her tone was stagnant. Riye was actually trying to not come OFF as terribly angry, but was she completely serious? Absolutely. After all, she was trying to grip on to the situation now. She had to, she wanted to figure this out. For the both of them.
The fact that he seemed to respond in this way...]
I just...If you needed me to say how much of a bad person you are, calling you out on your past actions, you act like you already took that job. I don't think I could come up with anything worse to say that you probably haven't thought of already yourself.
To be frank then, I don't want to do that.
[She sat there, letting her words stew for a minute. Realizing that they were blunt but still rather directionless.]
...You remember when we met, and what we talked about on the boards?
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[She crossed her arms, lips finally turning into a frown after that was said and done.]
If you know I'm not an idiot, then you should know I've thought about it really hard back then. No matter how overwhelming things got, all I have is my brain to think through every single possible thing. That's how I survive.
[...]
You don't think I didn't come up with a million scenarios on what you COULD have done? The only reason why I gave you any trust at all was that you never asked to be justified or excused for any of it.
I, Riye, in all of my distrusting and judgmental traits, gave you a chance to explain. I knew it wouldn't be easy to begin to, and I get that.
[She frowned a little bit more.]
I just always wanted you to trust me with it, and I knew I was going to have to deal with it when it came. If it ever did. I told myself that a lot.
I can't know what your world was like, who you met, or what happened. I just know when I see a guy who had to pay hard for mistakes he clearly knew he made. Someone who insists on beating himself up and being an ass to someone who just wanted to be a damn ear.
no subject
So what is she saying, then? His head's too fuzzy to puzzle her out. He's just regretting this whole thing, like he regrets every little thing, and he flags down a waiter for another bottle.
He doesn't look at Riye. He doesn't know what to say, anyway.]
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What WAS she saying? Man if she ever knew. This grew so much more complicated. It wasn't like she wasn't mad or disappointed at him. But was it for what he did or was it for what he was doing NOW?
She motioned to the waiter.]
Throw that on my tab too.
[She still buying him his drinks.
It was silent for another few seconds. She began actually taking some hair between her fingers and scratching the top of her palm. Anxiety.]
I don't hate you, Mal. I really don't.
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[Time to top off the ol' sake cup, which he half-downed immediately. Should he have been thankful? Angry? He felt more hollow than anything right now, but it would probably hit him tomorrow along with whatever hangover he was setting up for himself.]
So what now, then?
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[She was fine on drinks of her own, in fact, she got out her wallet and started pulling a number of bills out. She may be paying for his drinks, but not his liver. After this, she was outtie.]
Someone gave me some advice once. Something about not being able to change what happened so I have to move on instead. I thought that was good advice, I may have to keep following it.
[Hint hint.]
So, I have to take things as they come and learn how to deal with it. It's what I do best, but maybe it's most prominent now.
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[Screw it, he's just going to drink right from the bottle. So what if the mouth is designed to discourage just that? After a long swig he lts his arm hang off the edge of the table, loosely holding the bottle by the neck.
A second chance to screw everything up, more like.]
Got it. Dealing is what I do. [He's had a lot of practice.]
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The more she now could stew, the more she felt that she did something right. It was slowly coming into more focus. It wasn't like she didn't hear anything distressing, but she knew why she didn't storm off.
All of the other times she called people out for their behavior, it was calling them out on ethics and being so horribly ignorant that they were horrible. Mal knew what he did was horrible, so, there was ZERO point to that for her.
She said that.
Left with nothing to slam him for in terms of what he did then, she saw his behavior. His cagey and self destructive behavior, that was something she couldn't stand to see. She said her piece on it. Riye said all she could have. Yes, she was still sitting here.
She couldn't stand seeing him this way. The entire world crashed and he was letting himself get crushed, even if it meant pushing her away.
Things...just had to come to a head, and what happened next was up to them both. Daria just had to know what she had to do, and when. She hadn't figured it ALL out...but, maybe there was something.
She couldn't say anything else. Actions spoke louder sometimes, she had to learn that herself too. Know when to reach out and let the other person that they might matter, in ways she may not be used to in her own bubble. It wasn't like it was anything she hadn't done before, but she did notice she'd been doing it a lot lately.
She reached up with her hand to touch the arm he left hanging limp off the side of the table.
No saccharine or empty optimism that she wouldn't even believe in herself, but actions.]
no subject
About half a minute passes like that, him staring dully at her hand, his expression unchanging from its usual tired glare. His head's a little too fuzzy to analyze the complexities of this moment between them, but there is one clear thought he can make out: he's always been so much better at fighting for those who believe in him than he ever was for himself.
If Riye's going to put that much faith in him, might as well not let it go to waste.]
...Listen. ["Lllissen."] I'm an officer of the Future Foundation... Looking ahead is my job. Building the future and having hope in it, I can do that. Looking ahead is... [Wait, no, he said that. Ah, yes, the sake's really hitting now. Maybe he'll just put the rest aside here.]
Look, I haven't given up, is what I'm saying. [Maybe he did for a second there.]
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...When had she ever done something like this? After all of it was said and done, she really put her brain and her heart in a blender to figure herself out. In all of her cynicism and aloof nature, she always wanted what was best.
I believe in you because I want to. I know you can be better.
Looking ahead, hope, building the future, he used those words. A few times, he was slurring. Some kind of hopeful messaging like that can come off as hollow. For some reason, I know you mean it when you say it.
Maybe he never told her everything, but everything from his mouth was always honest. So was she, brutally honest. To almost a fault. While "Future Foundation" was still rather Greek to her, it didn't matter. The sentiment was there.]
So, I honestly hope you don't give up.
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[Well, at least she's brought his stubborn streak back to life. That's got to count for something.]
Even at my lowest... Nothing and nobody left to live for, I still didn't give up. So don't worry about me.
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Yeah yeah, I get the idea, Balboa.
[She moved her hand away, finally. Resisting the urge to embarrass the ex-boxer with small doses of intimacy any longer. But it was hard. Real hard.]
I can hold you to it though. I still want to be a good friend, after all.
[And she's snarking.]
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Good friends don't make Rocky jokes.
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[Pizza promise. Up she goes from her seat, finally. Time to leave just about. But she was going to hang around if she felt he wasn't sober. So, she kind of glanced his way again.]
Are we all ready to leave?
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[He only wishes that would be the last time he'll ever be faced with a Rocky joke. Looking at you, Raiden.
He steadies himself with his hand flat down on the table's edge before slowly rising to his feet, the full effects of drunkenness finally hitting him as the room spins around him for a few seconds.]
...Hhff. Okay. I'm- good. Let's get out of here.
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She had to do what she could.
She tried to keep a straight face for the both of them as she hung around for when he decided he was going to start moving, keeping a close eye watch from her angle.]
Onward then.
[You got it, buddy? You got it? Do you need an arm or an anything.]
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Off they went into the night, trampling all over the page layout's battered corpse.]